I do not believe that she failed us, we all failed her. Failure to reach your hand out to those in need is why people feel that sort of pain. I can't speak for her and her own heart but I know the similarities of pain. So many of us have so many words when people attempt or succeed at committing suicide but not enough of those encouraging words before hand. I can tell you that so many people "reached out their hands" after my suicide attempt but as soon as it became old news people withdrew their hands. I wish that I could tell her so many things, I wish she had not felt alone with her feelings because so many of us feel dead inside already. I wish that I knew what was in her heart in that moment but that is a sacred place that not many people learn. I wish she would have told someone, anyone to help save her. But truly what is the meaning of being "saved?" I do not feel anymore saved today then I had when I tried to kill myself.
I feel more confused and helpless then I did before all of this happened. I do not understand how people can be so cruel and just not have an understanding of how their negativity effects those around them. How can you cut me and then expect me not to bleed? Point a gun to my chest and expect me to not act scared. It is funny that everyone accuses me of using people and yet those same people are the one's that only come around when they need something. Pretty funny. I am sick and exhausted. I wish someone would baby and take care of me and that I had time to be whiny and tired. Doesn't work that way. Guess once your the caregiver your never the caregetter. This post took me almost 4 hours to write. My brain is non-functional :(
42 days.
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