5 days

I am so upset I can't even begin to describe it anymore. I am numb and I feel like I am slowly losing grip of my marriage. I feel like I am grasping that shirt at the end of my fingertips. People keep telling me its because I have kids and that's a BUNCH of bullshit! My son is getting close to being 3 years old and even when my daughter was a newborn I still got time with my husband. Im not doing well but I am getting really good at hiding it when i want to, I dont think thats a good time because i know if i do something again i want
confide in anyone. I confided last time because i thought i was too far gone. I still feel like I am. I feel like I am too far gone. Like i am still right there sitting on that bed alone staring out the door wishing and hoping for someone I know to sit beside me.


I dont feel good, i am ALWAYS half asleep because I never get to sleep. I keep doing more so people can do less so that someone, anyone can just be with me but it never works that way and people are around less now then they were before. I cant tell you the way i hurt. the way my heart feels everyday. the pain that tingles in my face and stabs my heart. the lump in my throat that feels like a knife. that sharp gasping of air that feels so painful. thats how i feel everyday.


I still feel abandoned. Even sitting in a room of people i feel like no ones there. i sit and listen about people lives and what is going on with them and it feels like time has stopped for me, like i will never get a second chance to get out of this. the pain hurts so bad sometimes i feel like cutting again just to get the pain in one area. to feel again. feel something other then that piercing in my chest, in my blood and veins. What if this is all me, what if there is nothing more i will ever get and everything i was ever ungrateful for will never be the same again? what if i am the one that will never change big enough for anyone to ever love me the way they used to?


I live in this world of memories by myself chancing things that aren't there and hoping for the way things used to be. When i was happy and free, full of love and feeling like nothing could ever stop me? When did everything change? When did the world decide that I just wasn't good enough? Why wont God just take me away? I get help, I take my meds, I eat when i remember, i remind those that i love them, i spend time when them when allowed, i do as much as my heart will let me but nothing is ever enough.

What do you do when you have no friends, your husband is slipping away, your family is far, and those who are close are more distant then ever and just dont understand your heart? What do you do when you just need love and encouragement, healing and someone to always be there. Unconditional love. My therapist says I am searching for something to fill this huge hole from being abandoned. I wish my family loved me. I wish I was enough. I wish for once someone could check on me or make sure im okay ask me how my day is. anything! i wish that more people could understand where i am at right now. I am so empty and i just feel like one person cant fill it but no one else is there. everyone has their own problems, their own kids, their own stresses and i cant be one more topping it off. god please fill this hole. i dont know how much longer i can hurt like this. pretending is making it worse.