Peter Pan

"To die would be an awfully big adventure."-Peter Pan


I am at day 43. I am beginning to realize that I thought this journey started a lot earlier then this. I thought that my journey began when I started all of this. When I wanted "change." My life has been spiraling out of control and I feel like I just am done with this damn roller coaster. I want to get off, get my money back, and go somewhere else. I feel like the more I step away from these labels that have always made up my identity then more I just don't have one at all. As I try and shed these labels which I have failed at becoming anyways, I become defined by this number. This number that changed my whole life. I have to live by this number because if I forget what the number means I will slip further away but the longer this number becomes the more I feel like I am being ripped away from the one release I have ever gotten.


I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I am losing my mind, not that I truly have a lot of mind to lose at this point. I can't focus anymore. I can't concentrate. I have no idea what I want anymore and I simply feel like I am slowly dissolving. I have found that I am stuck on this question of, "what if this is it?" What if this is truly all my life has to offer and happiness just truly doesn't exist other then those rare moments that come just to try and make you believe that maybe for once life is going to get better and change but as soon as you blink your eyes things go right back to the way they always have been. For those of you that read this and think to yourself well it can't really be that bad should try to life my life for just one week.


It is so hard not to blame the world for letting you down time and time again. I feel like the only big thing that had changed in my life from all of this happening is me. Who I am, what I am known for, what I am capable of. I just don't know anymore. The pain that I have increasingly felt for so long is turning into a winter numbness. This is far worse then the everyday pain I had been feeling and would honestly rather go back to that then this horrible empty feeling. At least pain would let me know that this nightmare I am living is real. I used to think that I was writing this blog because I know what it is like to feel like the only one with this. My sister said something to me yesterday that really hit me. She asked me if we were the only ones who feel like this. As i thought about this, before I answered her, I tried to look at any example of someone who is truly whole-heartedly happy and I could not think of one person. I told her that I really believe that we aren't.


I wish I could just scream and act out to get the things that I want and need out of life right now. My hair pulling has gotten so much worse. I am honestly shocked that I even have hair anymore at this point. I don't think people understand how bad the position I am in is. I don't even trust myself anymore. I don't trust that one more step near this ledge and I won't just plummet over the edge. I want to follow the "help" that I am receiving by listening to the advice of using my senses. Learning how to feel the beauty around me. I want so badly to feel some kind of intoxication in life but all I feel is air, emptiness, and a cold hard long way down a sharp rocky mountain. I need to feel. I need to feel sensation, passion, something deep to wrap me in and spin me around in circles. Something so intoxicating all I can do is breath. I want life to want me as much as I want life. I want to live. I want so badly to feel some huge sense of passion, something so strong it knocks me off my feet or makes me weak. I don't mean love. I have so many things that embody my heart. I just want emotion. That emotional passion. The raw deep emotion that everyone holds on to for dear life.


I don't sleep anymore. Even with the sleeping pills. More and more time keeps passing me by, more days and hours and I feel like I just can't shake this. I can't wash off all of the mud that the world has thrown at me. How do you get clean when your still knee deep in quicksand? I used to think that this endless journey of mine was a journey to change myself for the better so that I could see all of the joy around me. What I have come to realize is that this endless journey I am on is really just another way to explain this feeling. This endless one way street. This place that I wish I could run and escape from. This dark, damp, putrid place that I have gotten myself into. You know how people say that the grass is greener on the other side? Well for some of us the mystery of death is the other meadow and when we are utterly let down by this life we just have to sit and wonder if being on the other side would be such a better adventure.