102 days

This week I am supposed to be analyzing my feelings and emotions and this is extremely hard for me. Today I have felt inferior, weak, painful, jealous, fearful, confused, sad, not good enough, frustrated, lost, and i'm sure more but right now those are all i can think of. I am having a really hard time with this move. It feels really foreign like I don't belong here. I feel like I am staying in a hotel, uncomfortable and definitely not like home! I feel really unwanted for some reason. Maybe it ties into not feeling at home or at peace but all of this is really hard for me. I have been doing more as a mom but it is hard because I cant even describe the level of pain I am in. I am really worried that they aren't just cysts this time. I am at 102 days and you what now more then ever I feel like suicide is just as much of an addiction as any drug is. I feel like I am trying to get sober. I want someone to make it better. Make me feel like I have a place in this world. I feel like no one needs me. I knew I shouldn't have listened to anyone when I was told to cut back on life. No I feel like even though I have been doing more that things will never be the same, I feel like my life will always be this way. Like I will always be second or third best at everything I do. I really feel like I have failed at being a wife, being a mom, being a person. I have no damn identity, no fucking feelings, i don't have anything anymore. I have no friends, no life, even when i'm being a mom i feel like i am never doing enough. I always feel like no one else thinks i am doing enough either and i don't know why i feel that way. I feel like I let everyone down, like i just didn't meet anyone's expectations. Like everyone is disappointed. I feel like maybe once somewhere in life someone could have bragged about me, how good i was at doing anything, how good of a mom i was, how good of a wife. What is there now? All there is is a stupid broken person. A stupid broken, piece of crap that never feels good enough. Why can't I just be happy again? Why isn't waking up good enough? Why isn't being a mom good enough? Why isn't me trying good enough??????!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying my best. I am fighting. I am being a mom. Being a wife. Doing everything I used to love to do. Will I ever be good enough again? Will I ever be happy like I was? Will my life ever be like it used to be? I don't know when I started failing at everything. I used to be an amazing mom, an amazing wife, an amazing person. Yet everyone just thinks I am this broken, irritated bitch. Maybe I just feel like no one loves me. I used to be needed and loved. I feel abandoned. I'm starting to drown again. FUCK! I thought I was getting better. Honestly, that's why I stopped writing. FUCK.