So this week I saw my psychiatrist and I am really happy with what she told me. I do NOT have schizophrenia or bi polar and it is impossible to have both at the same time. My mom is impossible to be diagnosed with schizophrenia because there hasn't been a big enough period of time off of drugs so she would only be considered to have drug induced psychosis. So (just like my therapist said) all I have is severe PTSD and borderline personality disordered. Not great but better then it was. She said by learning grounding techniques and coping skills mixed with therapy and meds I can get 100% better with time. She said I need to allow myself my grieving time and realize that I was not only abused and traumatized but also neglected and I need to find a comforting consistent love that I never received from my my mom. I can also change my medication to a strong and more stable anti-depressent/anti-anxiety. So I will no longer have to the the mood tranquilizers or the anti-psychotics and she said another reason she knows that isn't what I have is because my hallucinations are visual and not audio. Guess it is something to be happy about. Maybe being a good mom is again in my future. I just need to look to a bright future that is different from my past. Change. She said all of my problems came from abuse, neglect, trauma, and sexual abuse. She said my memory lapses are a coping mechanism and they are caused by triggers. Things I am unaware of that are spinning me. Maybe one day with change and boundaries and a different outlook on myself will make a big difference. I never knew PTSD could be THIS bad. But shockingly I trust her, she made me bawl but she was honest and open and not edited and I like that.