I am spending tomorrow resting until my therapy apt. I am so exhausted and my whole body is breaking down from being sick and not being able to heal. I had to start new antibiotics today and I hope they will start working soon. Being in this much pain all the time on top of everything else going on is not helping at all! I am still very much in shock with my son and this disease. I am trying to keep hopeful and pray that when we get his platelet count back it isn't horrible. I feel bad, he is my baby. He is all bruises and marked head to toe coughing sneezing and just plain sounds awful and looks it as well. It makes me really sad.
I was finally able to get a little bit of homework done today which is the first day all week. I have a paper due soon and I really need to work on that but I am waiting to hear back from my teacher because "ethics" as a topic is just way too broad. I could write 100 page book on my opinions on ethics, so I am not quite getting it. I am glad to know that there are a few other people who asked the same question, so at least it is not just me.
Things have been really stressful, overwhelming, sad, and above all exhausting. I am past the point of exhaustion. I hope I get the opportunity to rest this weekend because if I don't get to I am really starting to worry about my health. My physical health has really taken a back burner and even my mental health lately. With all the blood test and labs for bub, he is like a sad pincushion and has been straight up mommy's rear along with my daughter. I have been kicking it into supermom mode because my son is just so sick and really needing attention and loves loves loves. Poor baby is in so much pain. I am really caught in quicksand and running out of time. I'm worried about my outcome at this point. I am past sinking, past hopelessness, past depression. I am literally so exhausted and not sleeping very well which doesn't help all the pain and nausea. I feel like piece after piece is crumbling off of me. Like I am a cookie that has been bit way too many times. My only days of Serenity is when I see my therapist. I am past numb. I don't know anymore. I just feel like a zombie. I guess a big part of that could be from the pain and being sick and the tiredness but I am just ------------------------------------------. Flat-lined.
**Earmuff section**
This amazing sense of partnership is starting to get stronger with my husband and I. I have so much appreciation for all he is doing to take care of all of us right now. I couldn't do this without him. Him just being here is good enough for me. I am intoxicated by him. Falling more and more in love over and over again everyday. I can't keep my hands away from him and when I do, I don't want to be. Our intimacy has been a lot better which I love. I love feeling that love and connection from him especially since him and I are not very good with words. We are both letting each other in more and I whole-heartedly appreciate that.
It has been what I have longed for for many years now. He is my obsession, my fantasy, my love. He is part of my being and I wouldn't ever want to exist without him. I think that is why part of me died that night. I couldn't stomach the thought of a world without him in it. I am so in love with everything he does, the way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way he looks at me. I am very much so in love with my husband and we have been through so much in the last three years. We have always prevailed and stuck together even when things were falling apart. Getting these raw fantasies is something new for me. I have never had them before. I have so much passion for him. I have this one beautiful thing right now that is so precious and dear to me. He is the reason I breath. I am trying to get strength for him. I haven't been doing very well at it either. I need rest! I need to relax and get better physically so that I can focus enough mentally to work on myself.
These journeys are endless and for the first time this part of my journey I would never want to end. This journey of love is such a blessed and beautiful one and through God him and I can get through anything. This journey I would never want to see an ending to<3
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