Suffocate Me

Suffocation
suf-fo-cate
verb (used with object)



1.

to kill by preventing the access of air to the blood throughthe lungs or analogous organs, as gills; strangle.
2.

to impede the respiration of.
3.

to discomfort by a lack of fresh or cool air.
4.

to overcome or extinguish; suppress.

















Whoever said that What doesn't kill you will make you strong was not only a fucking liar but was fucking stupid and wrong! This stupid fucking rain cloud that has continued to piss pour down on our family can seriously MOVE! If I would have just died or would have never done this no one would be suffering right now. Even the family that I picked, the one that I wanted to be a part of is falling to pieces. Every person breaking off is because of their feelings about me. I broke my parents, I broke my family, I broke this family. Why the fuck did anyone keep me alive? Why did I ever agree for them to be able to help me? I should have said no. I should have just shut my eyes when I started slipping away. I should have never told anyone what I did. I would have just floated away. I would have just drifted with no pain. No chaos. No darkness. That silence I felt was the best damn feeling I have ever had in my life.


I am sitting here fighting, trying to do this. I am working all my shit out and for what? What am I fighting for that is so worth all the pain radiating onto everyone I love. The yelling, the screaming, the tears, the pain. I just can't take anymore! I can't handle anyone else's emotions, issues, anything! I can't fucking do it. I am on massive freak the fuck out overload.


I do not understand why respect is such a hard thing to give. Why people demand it but do not give it. How people think respecting someone or finding it in your heart to at least respect yourself enough to use dignity in all situations. Maybe it is not respect people are losing maybe it is dignity, morals, and value. No one seems to cherish anything anymore.


I can't put a thought together tonight. It has been 29 days. Fuck tomorrow. Anniversaries suck!