Puzzle Pieces Part 1

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”―Oscar Wilde


I started this journey as a way to better myself. I never thought my journey would be how to love myself, believe in myself, and form an identity outside of every title that I posses. I am tired of being ashamed of everyone else's action. It is not my job to take the repercussions of everyone else's mistakes. I am tired of people making me feel like I should be ashamed of who I am, who I am trying to become, what has gone on in my life, and everything related to this. I am tired of feeling like everyone's mental stability is in the cross hatches of what I am trying to accomplish in my life. I am genuine sorry if I have ever or will ever in the future offend you but truly if you are offended take your ass and go. I should not have to hide my identity, business, or circumstances from anyone. I am trying to find myself. I am trying to create myself and learn so that I can teach my kids. So that my children do not have to go down the same shitty path that I have. I posted this online today and it is exactly how I feel.


"Okay so I am going to say this once and once only. My life is my life; what I choose to do with it, who I choose to keep in it, what role people play in it, how much I do or do not do, what my marriage is like, what I am like as a mom, has absolutely nothing to do with anyone but me. If you have an opinion please feel free to keep it to yourself. If you cannot keep it to yourself then please feel free to delete me online and your life. I am in no way hurting anyone so it should not concern anyone else! If I want you to know something chances are I will tell you. Live your own lives and stop trying to live mine."


I did overdose. I did try and kill myself. I did it because I have bottled things up and I was overwhelmed. I am making a decision to step back in all roles because if I do not help me, I will never be able to help anyone else. I had a very long talk with my dad today and in that I realized a lot of things.


a. even though in my heart and mind I have always truly been a daddy's girl, I never realized the unnecessary blame I had placed on him for situation pertaining to my mother.
b. I am WAY more like him then I ever thought I was.
c. that my dad can absolutely 100% relate to all situations pertaining to my mother because he did it for so long. I have always given him credit for how amazing he was not only with my sister and I in those moments but also how well he ALWAYS treated my mom and continues to treat her (in a vocal sense with me.)
d. I always thought that my father's drinking was a direct effect of why my mom acted the way she did partially in the fact that she always down talked him to me and placed a lot of blame on him. But I am finally realizing my mothers behaviors physically and mentally were a direct effect of why my father drank in the first place.
e. even now, with my dad knowing part of the reason I am so angry, frustrated, hurt, and so co-dependent is because of my mom and all my dad had to say was that he was sorry and he did not want to say anything negative about her. The only thing that he said was he allowed us to always blame him for everything that happened because it was easier for him to take the responsibility rather then us hating our mom. Also that I had to remember no matter how she is or what she has done she is still my mother and I am still half of her.


I commend my father for being so kind hearted. He could have used that oppertunity to say so much more. He only agreed with situation that were blatantly obvious. (like my dad having to pick her up in between the washer and dryer, her using drugs in the house, her trying to rip her clothes off and jump out of the car on the freeway in front of us, and things like her telling us to not talk to the voices in the kitchen.) My sister and I when we were little used to call my mom the dragon lady. Mostly in reason because we were so terrified of her. I always thought that my dad called me to vent in the same way that my mom only called me to vent. I always took his moments of emotions and attributed them for being drunk and in my young stupidity mistook that from real love. My dad has been so amazing in the situation of my overdose. He has not pressured me to talk about it, pressured me to do anything one way or another, has let me know that he is always here if I need to talk, and let me know in a heart felt way and in a way that did not make me feel guilty, ashamed, or upset about what had happened that his job as my dad is to grow old. For me to bury him not the other way around. He asked me (with a lot of emotion) to please never do it again. That I was the most important thing in his entire life. I understand that now. I am his only child. He still reaches out to my sister like he always has to be her dad but there is no blood relation. I have a lot more to say but I am very tired so part two will come in the morning.