Black My Eyes

“The more I see, the less I know for sure.”―John Lennon




I honestly can't even put one description to my emotions today. I am tired of everything being so difficult and I am tired of people being so ungrateful and neglectful of their responsibilities. I truly don't even want to be a part of all this stupidity that has completely taken over the world. Even as a child when things were terrible and hard to deal with, the world was still a better place. People were not as evil or shallow, hurtful or confusing. Family was family and even when things got really bad you sucked it up, stuck together, and protected one another to no end. In less then twenty years the world reverted into this awful place. The world is so beautiful and peaceful. People are the one's that make it ugly and evil. I can't process anything at all. It has been 21 days since I overdosed and I still haven't been able to just stop and process everything around me. Everyone around me keeps on pushing more and more responsibilities on me and I am just not ready. I have been dealing with responsibilities none stop for the last twenty years and yet people have the audacity to get tired of doing it for three weeks. Everyone is getting so frustrated and lashing out all of their anger in the wrong places.


For the first time in my life I am letting myself be angry. I am angry and I am not going to pretend any longer that I am not. I am tired of everyone walking over each other and then pretending like nothing ever happened. I have constantly let things go and locked things up, forgiven too easily and claiming things that were not mine to do so. I shouldn't have ever been put in the position in which I was forced to always apologize for things that were not my fault. I am still feeling like people really just don't understand and that I am still alone in this. I sincerely wish that I could just pause life right now and get a break, figure life out, and then press play again. I feel like life has sped by me so fast these last few months. I feel like my life is like one of those lights that you put in your kids rooms, the ones that going round and round in circles reflecting images and spotlights on one area of space at a time.


I fell like I just want to run away. Run so fast and never look back. It's not my family or friends that I want to run away from just life in general. The more I see and the older I get the less I understand about the world and people in it. When I get overwhelmed I still think about suicide but it is such a love hate thing. I get flashbacks from little triggers of things I see or here that instantly make me close my eyes tight and cry. Things that make me feel like I was stabbed in the heart. I hope the pieces of this puzzle start to come together soon and that this endless journey begins to stray on a different path. 21 days<3