A Very Merry Unchristmas

“He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.”―Alexander Hamilton




Today my "God moment" said, "On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know that sometimes a break from your routine is the very thing that you need. Try something new. Do something fun. Be adventurous. These breaks can bring renewed energy into your work and your life." I fully agree! I am seriously at my capacity. I do not know what to do any longer. I feel like a vase submerged in water and suffocated with bubble wrap. Days keep passing me by and i feel like I am in a revolving door going around and around and around in circles. Dizzy, confused, tired, and scared. I feel like there is no way out of this bad acid trip. That is what it is, it is not even a nightmare; it is a bad, terrible, awful, shitty acid trip. One that you expect to be wonderful and amazing, one that you want to make all of your wildest dreams come true and have these amazing circumstances that make you forget about all of the bad things that come into your life.


The more I learn about life, the more I am finding that I just don't want any part of it. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that there is just so much evil in the world now-a-days. Things didn't used to be this terrible, people didn't used to be this deceiving, the world as a whole didn't have terrible intent behind everything. Maybe I was just naive, or stupid, or both. I am not really sure anymore. I used to think the majority of the world was embodied by people who did good, had respect for themselves, loved humanity, and took time to see all of the beauty around them. That isn't true. It is a mirage. Even the good people that are kind and nurturing pick and choose. They do not spread their kindness, love, joy, or hope, unless there is an emergency or situation that requires it.


After my overdose I can name at least 20 people that said they cared, gave me their numbers, told me if I ever need to talk to anyone they would be there. You think that is true? NO! The truth is not one of those people have ever even tried to make an impact in my life. They have never tried to make a difference. Those same people are what I like to call "conditional." These are the people that only set aside time to be a part of your life just so they themselves do not have any guilt if things go wrong. There are so few people in the world that do things just because it is the right thing to do, do it all the time, and do it with the entirety of their hearts, minds, and conscience.


Everyone is living just to get by but expects you to live your life to the "fullest." What does that even mean? If you truly live your life the way you want to live it, who you want to live it with, and what your heart desires then you are selfish, conceded, and wild. What the fuck do people truly expect from any one person? How come doing your best isn't doing good enough....and I am not talking about the "best" that people lie and say they are doing just to remove themselves from any responsibility or obligation around them. Everyone says that suicide is selfish but living life is too? What kind of ass backwards shit is that? Your doomed if you do and your damned if you don't. Bunch of damn hypocrites. Has no one heard that expectations are like asshole? We aren't born with them, we aren't hardwired to have high expectations and poor values.


As children we express when we are in need, what we do not want, what we don't like, and when we do or do not want something. We let others know when you want to be held, kisses, cuddled, or left alone. Then we learn to hate our bodies, pick apart our personalities, tweak our "flaws", and rearrange our values to match other people's set of views.


I have zero strength. Everyone has sucked me dry, taken everything I had to give and more. There is not one day that goes by that does not have someone starting something. Something wanting something. Someone hating something. I am smothered with the fake that consumes everyone. Do you think my mom called me today? Do you think anyone stopped to be less absorbed by their own shit. I am tired of everyone else's lack of effort. I am the one who has to give everything, do everything, know everything. I just want to scream!


The only thing that is getting remotely better (if that is what you want to call it) is my marriage. And that consists merely of instant message communication, an occasional face to face word, a rare laugh, and a once in a blue moon sexual encounter. My Husband's family decided to come by today, sat and wondered why neither of our kids knew who they were and tried to convince us that my daughter looks like them. FUCK THAT! My daughter looks nothing like them. She is a exact hard-copy of me. My son is a spitting image of my husband but not my daughter. MY daughter the one that they have only seen 3 times in her whole life. When I overdosed do you think they were there? When I had either one of my kids did they show up? Did they value any or even one of either one of the kids milestone? Absolutely not. The value and true meaning of "family" does not exist anymore. No one knows what it means, appreciates it, or even knows what love means anymore.


The only person that has been there for any of us in this entire situation is two people that WE chose to be "family." My little sister and my mom. Even their own family has no appreciation, understanding, or honesty to any of them. People see what they want to see, do as they wish to do, and give no more then the bare minimum to get them by in life with this crazy and fucking whack image that shit will just fall into their laps. My family, his family, everyone around us only does shit when it is convenient or when they can get something out of it. Love, appreciation, honesty, and sharing are just not enough for anyone; meanwhile I am sitting here begging for it, wishing for it, only being able to dream a dream about the thing no one has ever wanted to give unconditionally or without something in return. I don't understand, I refuse to understand, I will never understand how people can walk life this way.