The Devil Still Has Me

"Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face."-Nelson DeMille




I have tried so hard to pick up the pieces of my life since I overdosed. I have tried to mend things, tried to make them better, tried to just moved on...I feel like nothing is possible anymore. I don't know where I fit in or belong. I am caught in this in between in every instance of my life. Even my overdose keeps coming back to haunt me. My health may never be the same. Now I have acid and blood in my stomach, I had to get a bunch more blood taken and I am now on prilosec for 6 freaking weeks. My blood is thinning out too much and my blood pressure is still too high along with my heart rate still being low. Now when I bleed I don't stop. It has even made me have my period for more then 15 days and I don't even get my period with the IUD that I had put in after I had my daughter. I have therapy again tomorrow, maybe that will help. It feels like my weeks are terribly long until I get to that appointment. I feel like she is the only one that understands any of this. Maybe it is all in my head. I am tired of the continuation of my body failing to fight this all off. :/ I don't even know. I am so utterly and absolutely overwhelmed, upset, frustrated, tired of being sick and in pain. I am tired of being on so many pills, I am tired of everyone avoiding me, I am so exhausted with life right now. My mom keeps talking to me and emailing me. It is even harder when everything she wants to talk about revolves around the one who I thought was my best friend. The one that jabbed the knife in my back. She should have just ripped out my heart, it seriously would hurt less. And then I sit here in this ball of expectations that everyone has. Its been two weeks since my overdose and I have been pushing myself so hard to meet what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I keep letting people down. I am tired of taking pill after pill numbing me. I'd rather be upset then numb. I hate numb. I try not to think anymore, thinking forces avoidance of the things I just don't want to deal with anymore. I watch the things that my little sister goes through on a daily basis and it takes me back and hurts me that I can't even comfort her with telling her it gets easier as you get older because it does. It is the same battle I fight everyday. Fighting the battle just to want to wake up in the morning, fighting every breath you take, fighting every action that you are able to stumble out of your useless body.


I really don't even want to know the results to my blood tests. I already know they aren't good and the dr didnt seem to be convinced that it was anything else. I get to live with this stupid overdose for the rest of my life. I used to be a person who enjoyed company, enjoyed people, and laughter, enjoyed hobbies. I don't enjoy anything. It feels like someone took a sludge hammer to my body. There is so much desperation I have inside and I don't even know what it is for. I feel like I don't have anyone to go to or vent to and the people that I do still technically have for those means just don't understand all of this. Hell I don't even understand. My doctor asked me today if I have heard anything pertaining to adding in my psychiatrist. I told her that my therapist is making the same referrals that she is to them and she started the process last week. Tomorrow is my full breakdown evaluation, family history and all. I don't even know how I feel about that. I can't think, thinking releases too many emotions for me. I'm locking myself up again, I am not trying to. I feel like I am going fucking insane. I don't know what is what anymore. It is hard for people to understand the concept of being surrounded by people and still wholeheartedly feeling alone. You get overwhelmed when your alone or you get overwhelmed when you are in a room full of people. It is like the silence carries are secrets, our fears, our shame. Silence flouts around the room waiting for the next victim to come along. The only good thing coming from being maxed out on all of these pills is the fact that I haven't been hearing voices anymore and my paranoia has lessened a lot. I don't know why but all of this feels like dejavu. It feels like the pattern that I just repeated. Shutting myself in is what makes that a fact. I don't know why I am locking myself up. Possibly to avoid awkward moments within myself and/or other people?


This has honestly been the most exhausting two weeks of my entire life. I just want to lay down and sleep do nothing just be. Living here I do not get that ability anymore. I do not know what to expect with her evaluation of family medical history-that will be a fucking interesting one. I'd like to just skip that one if I could! Everyday I have this image of my hiding in my hallway closet. I can see everything almost like I am still there. I can see the darkness, the clutter of the closet. I remember on one side of the closet there was a dresser and on the other side were two big boxes, the middle were just clothes that hung from the rack. The closet opened on both sides-through the living room and through my bedroom. I remember always crawling in a ball, hidden in clothes, crying. I used to write myself letters, letters to my future self. It may sound stupid but that was what I did. I put all of my fear, pain, hurt, rejection, all of me i would pour into this piece of paper and then bundle it up and tape it to the underpart of a dresser drawer. I would forget it was there and a few years later find it again. I guess there is not a single thing I can do about all of this. It was my overdose and they told me I would probably have damage. Guess I was just too hopeful that I would be okay. My body is seriously shutting down. Its crazy but I still think about my overdose, God was there that night, God was arguing with me and like always I chose not to listen. Hopefully things can calm down and quiet down so I can relax before I end up on serious mental overload explosion.