Hiding is for Amateurs

“Hiding is for amateurs.”―Ally Carter


I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to scream as loud as I can even if my voice cracks, even if it breaks me, even if I fall to pieces all over again. I am so done with being silenced. I have been hidden, ignored, and silenced for way too long. I feel like I am going to burst at the seams. I am scratching, clawing, biting, kicking, and screaming my way out of this terrible nightmare. No one seems to understand. No one will take the time to stop and listen. Everyone assumes they understand or doesn't care enough to try. I want people to see. I want people to use their vision for good, for just this once, just this one moment in time. There is a difference between being blind and being blind folded. Being quiet and being deaf. I fell like no one wants to hear me.


Everyone is so tied up with all of their own stresses and aggravations, exhaustion and tiredness that they can't even see themselves overloading me. It just blow my mind that the SAME things they are getting tired of doing for the last few weeks they are getting already getting tired of and still have no understanding of why I am partially in this situation to begin with. I am sad that I almost died and I still get absolutely no appreciation. Everyone seems to want to change me but no one wants to change the things in themselves that contributed to me being the way I am, thinking the way I do, and hurting to the extent that I hurt. It is all immeasurable and these standards that everyone keep wanting to set for me are unrealistic. I am tired of being the weakest link and still being forced to act like the strongest. Everyone keeps piling one thing on top of another on me and I am just not ready. After more then twenty years of being the glue that holds everyone together I want my own glue. I want someone to look at me with sincerity and say I know your hurting and I am sorry. I want someone to give me the whole world even when theirs is falling apart.


For more then three years I have had no identity. I have been this persons wife, this persons friend, this persons daughter, this persons mother. Everyone has erased my name and replaced it with a title, an image, a picture that I just cannot live up to any longer. No one is giving me the time to just be mad. I want to just be mad, I want to be allowed to take time to work through my own shit instead of fixing everyone else's. Everyone around me gets that time. The time to rest, reason, reflect, respond, regenerate. I want someone to be for me what I have always tired to be for them. I want someone to be selfless enough to take care of me, love me enough to be open minded, not judge, ask questions, and listen, and to know me well enough to just know what I need and see what I just can't let out. I have never boxed things in but lately I feel like it is the only way. I am tired of continuously repeating myself and having no one that just hears me.


These feelings are not new, they are no anything different from the same ones I have been expressing over and over again for years. It revolves around everyone, every single relationship I have with another person. No one seems to think that their actions do not effect anyone other then themselves even when other people are shouting it from the roof tops. People listen to the anger and not the words. Not the meaning of why the anger is there in the first place. I never understood why I have become such an angry person but little by little I am really starting to see. I am tired of not being allowed to be angry. That intensifies my anger so much. My frustrations have been piling up one on top of the other of the same old thing. I have never had a period of time where I was not responsible for something. That may be my own fault that I have so many but it is not my responsibility alone. My therapist said that one trauma after another after another played a huge part in why I am in a huge downfall and my genetics along with being a female did not help that shitty disposition at all.


It is crazy to think that all of these "unrealistic" and "dramatic" fears have such more substantial truth then I had ever realized. I think most of my problem is that I have always just accepted things as they were rather then pushed for them to change. I have never put myself in a position of worth enough to substantiate that kind of reasoning. Whatever the reason may be or whatever they are not I just don't have any amount of self worth or identity. I am having to start all over and people create this image of ease when it comes to acting that out. It isn't easy. It is in no way, shape, or form as complex as everyone seems to be making it out to be. No one will ever understand or feel the way I do because no one in the world truly understands the things that I have been through, the things I have seen and heard, lived and missed out on. I have been living this nightmare for far too long and I just refuse to except it any longer. This isn't because I have found a new meaning of life or because I feel like I deserve more then I already have; it is simply because I think it is unjust and completely unfair for any one person to bare all of this for so long. I don't care who you are or what you have done in your life no one deserves to carry so much weight in one lifetime. I am not trying to pity myself or make the situations out to be more then they ever were but even if there is someone out there, someone else in the world who has been through more; two wrongs don't make a right.


My life is a puzzle and I can no longer put the pieces together by myself. There are too many pieces and not enough time given by everyone else to figure it out. If I continue to bury everything that happens and act like things are acceptable then it will continue to consume what I am, who I am, and who I choose to be. Living that life isn't any better then not living life at all. If I do not walk back and sweep the path now, there will be no way to find my way back later. I am tired of being the bigger person, the better person, the strongest person, or whatever you want to label it. Emotion was never an acceptable thing in my family. Yet hypocrisy was. Selfishness was. Life isn't about quality it is about quantity and I just can't do it alone any longer. The beauty of life cannot be seen when locked in a room with a distorted window. I am tired of being ashamed and covering up everyone else's mistakes. I should not have to claim it, I should not have to carry it, and I should not have to continue to make the effort that everyone else seems to be lacking. When you do something good in life no one seems to notice until you are no longer doing it or people never give you credit for all you do but never forget what you don't.


I have been told to focus on existing, I am still not sure what that means but hopefully everyone will allow me time to figure it out. No one else gets to take credit for me not relapsing. It was my effort, my determination, and my strength that is getting me through one day at a time. Maybe I will not be strong enough to never relapse or never be able to pick up all of the broken pieces of who I am and what my life is really about but at least I can whole-heartedly say that I tried. It's been 25 days and that is what I need to remember.