No Magic Potion

"She's in line at the DOLE
With her head held high
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,

Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time."-The Script



Started off the day with no sleep and a bad headache. My poor baby boy is so sick. He was up all night sobbing in his sleep. And by sobbing I mean screaming bloody murder.

I hit a wall last night. This deep dark place that made me very unsure about myself. I feel like I am on a balance beam in a wind storm. I want to get to the other side but all odds are against me. I am at the point where I have given everything I have to give and I just have nothing left. It is not people's motives that upset me it is the constant reminder that like me being on a balance beam everyone around me is also. Maybe not in the same way that I am but none the less all of these motions affect me. I am at this place with my heart that I just do not have effort to give. I don't. I love how even on my birthday it is not enough motivation to just have a pleasant day. I'm over it. I do not care anymore. I can not make decisions for anyone else. I am not doing this today. I absolutely whole-heartedly refuse. This isn't fair. Everyday has to be something different or truly something the same that just goes on this shitty ass cycle.


I do not understand why people seem so fucking determined to ruin my damn day. Guess what....everyone wins. I just don't care anymore. I don't have the strength and I honestly can't wrap my head around the fact that people can be so selfish as to be hurtful today. I do not know why I ever even had a sprinkle of hope that maybe since this is supposed to be a day about me, an important day where for once I don't have to deal with anything, that that would actually happen. I can't just get this one day. This once. I am tired of being to blame for everything. I am tired of having people tell me that they are sorry and yet no one wants to fix the situations. Why can't things just wait until tomorrow. Why do they have to be today? Why?! Why can't people just have it in them to make one day special for me. This day is already half way over and it has been nothing but shit.


I keep getting told that people are sorry for not protecting me, that they are sorry for abandoning me, that they are sorry for the things they have said and done and yet I am still the one that has to deal with every situation. I am not a perfect person. I do not know why I am expected to be. If I say anything wrong no one ever lets it down and yet I am the one that gets accused of forcing people to walk into bear traps. I don't know if anyone realizes this but no one ever let me out of the bear trap! I am still stuck in the forest screaming for help with my leg caught in a tight spot that hurts. I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe I am this awful person that can't do anything right. It seems to always work out the same way no matter what relationship I am in whether it be a romantic relationship, a blood relationship, or a friendship. I am not allowed to make mistakes. I am always the one that has to mend things, to say sorry. I just don't know anymore. I don't know where I belong in life, in my relationships, as a person. I do not want to relapse. I am busting my ass everyday to get through just one more day. One day at a time. No one realizes that it is nearly impossible to not feel wounds when everyone is throwing rocks your way.


I read something today and it pinpoints how I feel....


‎"No magic potions. No fairy dust.
No one to push you..No one else to do it for you.
Just one determined foot in front of the other."


No one gets credit for how far I have come, for how many days I have fought. My life changed that day too and whether people sit and read this religiously, no one will ever quite understand where my heart lies. No one gets the right to think that making it this many days is not an accomplishment. I spend every second of every day from the moment I wake up fighting with myself, fighting with everyone around me, fighting to just survive and exist.


It has been
33 days
811 hours
48699 minutes
2921943 seconds.

That may not be a lot to everyone else but it is for me.