Searching For Dusk

"Carrying the weight on the end of a limb
You’re just waiting for somebody to pick you up again
Shaded by a tree, can’t live up to a rose
All you ever wanted was a sunny place to grow."-Miranda Lambert


So basically today sucked. It seems like everyday my husband and I are fighting. I am confused in every single aspect in my life. I try and try and try again for him to understand that I am so emotionally lonely. There comes to a point in everyone's life where they are just tired of always coming last. He doesn't understand why I feel that way and on top of that I am just not used to never having alone time with him. We are on everyone else's time not our own. Today was really emotional for me because my sister just moved from one state away to half way across the U.S. she has been my biggest influence my entire life. It is like I am reliving her leaving me when we were kids. She ran away and I was left to battle life alone. Here I am again. It feels like she took a piece of my heart with her. Even though she doesn't live here I feel like I will never get to see her, she only lived one state away and I only got to see her at most once a year.


I am just in this weird circumstance of exhaustion. Not exhausted physically or mentally (which I am) but that's not even what hurts more. Everyone in my life has always come before myself even with my own actions and priorities. I don't have the strength to fight anything anymore. I am tired of everything being a battle. If a life of battle is what it in my future, I don't want it. I sobbed today, I am so tired of crying. I sat in bed and just cried and all I could think was why am I doing this? Everyone keeps telling me I am important and I need to do this for myself and I am worth doing it for. I feel like it is all lies. Everyone has these speeches and words but no one wants to put forth the effort or actions to back anything up. I gave up my whole life for everyone I knew. I spread myself thin and broke myself down giving every single ounce of effort that I had in my body to give and when I was like a sponge being squeezed for more water, some how, even after being all squeezed out, I still produced more water. I guess I am starting to find out that my emotions are truly stemming from anger. I am pissed off! After almost 21 years of giving everything I have, no one wants to give anything back. I don't understand that. People wonder why I sit in the shadows and feel alone. Just because your sitting in a crowd doesn't mean you aren't lonely.


My husband tells me today, "Fine, I am obviously not going to get it and I don't need the stress of you telling me I am wrong." Are you fucking shitting me? Seriously!? I am so baffled by the world right now. I always knew people were evil but I always saw the good in everyone. I don't anymore. People are selfish. If there is anyone around this family that doesn't need stress it would be me, the one that just overdosed. I am sorry that at this time I cannot bow down to everyone's expectations of how they should be taken care of by me but holy hell. This is honestly the hardest time of my life and I really thought that people would be here to catch me. This is harder then my mental abuse, my childhood abandonment, my rape, everything.


People say you should forget the shit you have forgiven. I refuse. I will never forget that day, I will never forget how I felt, what I saw, I will never forget one second of the LONGEST three days of my life! I don't care if anyone thinks it is healthy or unhealthy. I need to remember this! That day was the biggest smack in the face for me. It was a huge sock in my life and i hit bottom for the first time ever. Everything I thought I knew was a lie, everything I knew about myself, everything I knew about my family and friends. My entire world shifted and I am picking myself back up again. Every other day in my life and every tough situation I have been in I have locked inside and pretended like it never effected me. This did, I am not going to lock it up. I sat there slipping. I almost gave my life away. I almost died and I remember every second of it. I sat there and God spoke to me.

Suicide has been a big part of my life for a long time but I honestly never thought I had the balls enough to put full force effort into trying. I didn't think I had enough will or courage, enough strength or pain tolerance. Overdosing was not my first chose that night. Slitting my wrists was the first thing I thought of. I couldn't stomach it. I took the knife out and put it to my wrist. I pushed down and watched the blade scratch my skin. I sat there crying and thinking there has to be a better way out then this. I began to run frantic through my house searching every place that we kept and stored pills. I didn't want to do prescription, I wanted something simple. Something that reflected what I have been desperate to gain for so long; control, simplicity, silence. I saw the bottle of aspirin and grabbed a glass of water. I shook out as many pills as I could possibly fit in my hand. I looked down at the pills and took one last swallow before choking them down. I took all 64 in one swallow. After less then 15 minutes I laid down on the couch, shut my eyes, and listening to what I had always wanted to hear. Painless utter silence. For the first time in my life I felt peace. I can't lie, I always thought that people who tried to commit suicide were the most selfish people on the planet but I can also say that without a doubt I miss that feeling. I struggle everyday to fight the urge to not get that feeling back. I never want to feel the chaos of the consequences though. But when my emotions are high and my strength is low; I just think to myself next time you just need to do it better.


I am at war with myself as well as everything around me. I feel like I am stuck in this bad dream that never ends, I never wake up. About two months ago was the first time I had ever told anyone that I periodically hear voices, that sometimes I feel and see things that I can't be sure are even there. As a kid it used to terrify me. I guess that is how I feel, like a kid again. Almost like I am reverting back and trying to learn everything that no one was ever there to teach me. The part that makes me mad is that I am still sitting here teaching myself. I don't know where to go from here. It's been 19 days. 19 days that I have gotten through. I think I can do this, I hope I can do this, I pray that I can do this.