Light Around the Bend

“Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”―A.A. Milne


So I stand corrected; my mom called me. I swear all of her intents are just to fuck with my head. I found out today that my eight year old nephew got a cell phone. WTF. My mom said, "all of the grandma's are paying for so that we can talk to him so that we don't miss him too much." I am so glad that everyone chooses when they want to be family oriented. My mom said sometime this week we would "schedule" a time to video chat. Excuse me?! Your not only going to pencil me in but your also going to video chat with with family you know nothing about. I am starting to think that I do not know whether or not it is people needing to get to know me or ive been denying people to learn about the person I am becoming. I don't know I have so many questions, so many things I want to learn. I am also trying to figure out if I am relearning myself or if I am creating a new me.




My therapist says that everyday I need to write down the emotions that I felt that day. So today, I have felt:


Jealous
Ignored
Rejected
Pleasure
Sadness
Pain (physical)
Wonder
Confusion
Anger
rage
numb
disbelief
whole


For the first time in a long time I can say I felt whole. Not all day or even the majority but two different moments in one day that were good. Playing with my son and just being in awe that this was his 3rd chrtistmas and how different he is now to his first christmas. And the second one being spending time with my husband. For the first time in a very long time, I laughed. Laughed out of fun and honesty. That truly was the best present ever. Gaining a little flicker of memories with passion, love, and intimacy. His demandingness, his confidence, and his persistence. I wish he could do this every day. Take care of me like I need. I hope my works and all these things I can better work on. Being able to express my needs. I shiver at the word HELP.