"I have paid a price that I will continue paying."-Dixie Chicks
The more I start looking into my own meaning I am finding that I do not understand a whole lot more then I ever thought. There are so many things that I wish I had answers to that I simple just do not.
I don't understand why people can not take and appreciate tasteful images of the body without being a "pervert" or a "lesbian." I do not understand why people take advantage of this show of beauty and make it into an obsession of pornography and sex. Sex is supposed to be this passionate love-filled expression between TWO people. It saddens me so much that EVERYTHING is sexually influenced and turned into promiscuity. Maybe I am just old fashioned but I truly believe as a society we have lost all morals and that there is no concept of pillow talk. I do not understand why making love has become such a "chore."
I do not understand why expressing love is so hard for so many people. I do not understand why there isn't beauty and mystery in NOT exposing yourself to others. I do not understand why couples do not spend more time exploring and enjoying each other; mentally, physically, emotionally. If everyone spent more time getting to know one another and communicating the world would be a better place.
I do not understand why people feel a necessity in treating children with less respect then you would treat an adult; if you do not have the balls to yell at an adult, do not do so to a child. Children learn from your example not your words. We as a whole need to work on this, me included.
I do not understand why the color of your skin or the the God that you worship makes a difference in people's perspective of the quality of your dignity, your level of respect, or the size of their heart. I do not understand why we judge a book by it's cover (people) with out reading a person's prologue. In every person there is something that made them that way. If you do not want to read the book then put it down, walk away, and do not form an opinion based on something you never took time to understand.
I do not understand why marriage is defined by gender. I do not think being gay is being "wrong" I think it is choosing to love with no conditions. Love can not be defined by gender just like it can not be defined by the color of your skin. It is for no one to say whether you should love a male or a female. It is about what you feel is right, what makes you happy, and who loves you back with those same lack of conditions. Right and wrong is just a matter of opinion.
I do not understand why difference of opinion turns in to hate and bitterness. I do not understand why everyone wants to form opinions on things that do not concern them.
The more I hear the shit people say about me the more I truly believe it would be easier being dead. Everyone seems to want to put me under the microscope but did anyone do that when I was doing everything? Absolutely fucking NOT! Did my husband get judged for putting everything on my plate? NO. Is anyone sitting asking my brother in law and his girlfriend how they contribute to this house? FUCK NO! I am so tired of all of this bullshit. I put not only money in this house but food, I am completely exhausting myself to do WAY more then I am supposed to be because I am absolutely sick and tired of listening to everyone. I don't understand when you are clearly on the ground why people feel the need to kick the shit out of you. Beat you down until you just have nothing left but a whim and a prayer. I do not know how much more I can possibly take. How many cracks in one person's heart can be there before mending is just not an option? How many times can one person be kicked before they just do not have the strength to get back up again? For some unbelievable reason everyone seems to think that the day after a suicide attempt you are just supposed to magically pull a 360 out of your ass. People like this are the exact reason why I just do not have it in me anymore. I can't keep doing this!
I am tired of everyone's standards and expectations of what this is for me. NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE knows what this is like for me, but ME. No one has tired to understand, tried to listen, tried to talk about how everything is affecting me. No one knows how bad I am hurting everyday. How I can barely breath right now because everyone is suffocating me. I am sorry that I am just not good enough for anyone's standards. We all need rescue. We all need change. Change from the pain. We all need to be inspired. This is my life. No one whole-heartedly wants me to get better...they just want to be released from the burden. I have always been a burden and I guess I will always be. I have become so used to this pain that I feel nothing anymore. All I feel is numb. I am the one who sits here crying. I am the one that no one has faith in.
Faith; this concept of unconditional belief in one thing. I don't understand how everyone tells you you are supposed to have faith, appreciation, happiness and yet those same people turn around and do the exact opposite. I am tired of being spit on. As a child I would have never thought that "home" would be a place that I do not belong. Home has always been what broke me down. I don't know why I ever thought that this would be different. I don't know why I ever thought that anyone would change. I don't know what love means anymore. I don't know what trust means. I don't know what living means. I am starting to think that this is hell. Hell is this life and the devil are the people that surround us. Where is God? Where is God when I am sitting here slowly dying inside. There is nothing left. I will never be the same person again. I may be one small person in this huge ant hill of people but who out there can tell me I have not been through enough in this lifetime. Who can sit and look me in the face and tell me my pains are too small. Too insignificant to just heal my heart.
I have been abused. I have been beat. I have been raped. I have been molested. I have been tricked, hurt, lied to. I have had my life flash before my eyes. I have seen someone die. I have watched someone slip away. I have watched someone shoot up drugs. I have held someone up more then 100 times while they puked out all the poison of alcohol. I have been forced to stay up all night long to listen to someone pour their heart out. I have gone without food. I have gone without power. I have gone without heat. I have gone without love. I have been stalked.
How much more do I need to go through in order for my pain to be significant enough to be taken away? I wish someone would answer that for me. When will anyone start to care what I have been through? When will it be my turn? When will someone care enough about me to just be here? Being in my time zone, house, state, zip code has nothing to do with being there for me. You could sit your ass on my lap and not be there for me. And you know what, I do want to die. I want to blink my eyes and have all of this shit disappear. I for once want to be free. I want to be the one to be selfish, rude, crazy, fucked up, stupid, judgmental, angry, deceiving, dishonest. You know what that isn't even true. I just wish for ONCE people would dig themselves out of my ass and live their own lives so that I am able to "live" mine. Whatever that means. I can't take much more. Everyone around me is losing it, I am always being judged, I am always being lied to, I am overwhelmed past my maxed, exhausted, put to shame, made guilty. And I just can't take anymore!!! If something doesn't give in, I will. It's been 28 days. 28 stupid fucking dramatic, overwhelming, painful days. Thursday is going to kill me, if nothing else does sooner.
No comments:
Post a Comment