Quicksand

How do you not break down in these moments? How do people learn to cope with things that just are so unfair? How am I supposed to walk this part of my journey with faith and my head held high? How am I supposed to act like superwoman when I am already weak and broken? How do I find strength to take on this burden? How can someone find joy in happiness in their two year old having a disease?


I can't pretend like life is fair or that I believe that this is happening for a reason. In every walk of my son's life he has done test after test, blood work after blood work. I would rather be in pain my entire life, walk with all of this pain and hurt, emptiness, and confusion, then ever have my son go through any of this. How do I gain motivation to not just throw my hands up and say, "life you win." I am barely mustering up strength to wake up everyday. How am I supposed to be strong for him? I feel like breaking down but I am past that point. How do you sit and teach your kids that God is merciful, forgiving, and saving? I am slowly loosing my faith. My faith in myself, my faith in miracles, my faith in karma, my faith in God. Bad things should happen to bad people. Maybe I am just not as good of a person that I always thought I was. Maybe this is some kind of punishment. I refuse to believe that coping is living. Coping is what I am been doing my entire life and it's just not fair.


I never snuck out as a kid, I have never shot up or done acid, I've never started a physical fight or been to jail, I have given to charity and helped where I could when I could, I have given graciously to offerings, I have gone to church, been baptized, taught my kids God, I have unmistakably and whole-heartedly been a servant, I have proclaimed my love for Jesus, defended God's will, I have never been an alcoholic or a tweeker, I have prayed to God, prayed for other's, I have knelt down on my knees and given faith to God, I have never hurt someone on purpose or been manipulative, I have always done tried to leave judgement to God, and although no one is perfect in anything I have always put effort into wrong and right. I do not beat my children or teach them through fear. So what am I doing wrong? What am I doing that deserves such persistent and aggressive lessons? Why are my children suffering for society's mistakes and the cruelness of evil people?


I feel like I am quicksand and my airway is starting to get blocked. I feel like I am sinking and I just can't get out of this disaster. I do not know what to do anymore and I surely feel hopeless.


It has been
36 days
882 hours
52940 minutes
3176426 seconds