2012

I am in a lose lose situation. There is no calm before the storm. There is no disaster relief after. I didn't chose to move, I didn't chose to inconvenience everyone's life. I have three options I either have to shut up, suck it up, and always be silenced, leave everything behind because I just can't take it anymore, or continue to hurt my children by bouncing around from place to place with every situation being unhealthy for them. Some how everyone seems to think that just because someone doesn't have one specific problem with me that every step of everybody's lives have effected me and continue to effect me. I can't breath. I just want to take this pain away. This same situation I have been placed in with every single relationship I have always had. I am co-dependent because other people force me to be. I am silenced because someone's hand is always covering my mouth! I am told time and time again that if I do anything, if I voice my opinion it will make everyone else's life worse. I don't know what to do. This is why dying was easier. FUCK!!! I feel like I am going to relapse. I can't keep living my life this way. My chest hurts. I can't breath. I can't think. I have no one that is just on my side. No one that puts my feelings first. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!


I am trapped. I have no where for my heart to just be safe. I get told that I need to do what I need to do to get better. That I need to remove unhealthy situations and yet those two things only apply with conditions. I knew that nothing would ever change. I knew that once again like it has been for the last three years that I either have to be alone or go against every feeling and moral in my body. I want to die. I can't do this. I am not strong enough. There is not one damn person that has just been there. Just tried to understand where I am coming from. If my opinion, my feelings, who I am as a person does not matter then why in the hell should I continue on to live a life that is unwanted by everyone else. Everyone else that gets overloaded, that gets upset, that gets crushed down I have to hear about, feel the aftershock of.


I get told I don't appreciate what everyone does for me. It always comes down to this in my life and this is why I shut my fucking mouth and turn my check. I can't say one thing without getting some big effect from it but everyone else can.









Okay so after a massive panic attack I can barely move an inch every single part of my body hurts. If you notice a new spin in tone there was an hour in a half break from the top part to the bottom. I wish that there were opportunity to have a running blog of my life. Things go from one way to another and then it takes forever to explain all of the in-between. This blog took me 2 hours to write so I am sorry if there are weird turns in tone. Our lives are very hectic and I am trying to keep up. My body is telling me screw keeping up you can catch up after you heal up. I took some of my pills took a step back and confided in Ma. Which is my number one step on my safety plan. I do not feel any less put together but I am putting my trust in her that she will make things easier. I need things to be easier. My body is finally in shut off mode.







*(ear muffs-sexual content)*
In all of this my husband and I have been regaining little by little and piece by piece our marriage. We have been battling for a common goal which is putting our family back together. Our marriage had been losing its spark mostly because him and I as individuals were losing ours. We have been making love more often lately. Passion and closeness, lust and love. The things I have always felt for him. We are starting to find that heat and passion again and I am so in love with it. He is so intoxicating for me and always has been. Out of whatever has gone on we stopped giving ourselves the time and effort to just be sexual and flirtatious.
When I became a mom I stopped dying my hair, changed the way I dressed, change the music I listened to, removed all but one of my piercings and never smoke or drank. I wanted to be a perfect mom. I didn't want to be judged as a mom so I stopped being sexual, independent, loving. I didn't want to do anything inappropriate. Part of me creating my identity, which is my first goal in all of this, is to gain that sexual power back. That intoxication that we have always had that I have always enjoyed. We have gained little bits and pieces of passion back and I like it!