Safe Haven

“If you're too damn stubborn to let yourself cry, then your body finds other ways to let it out.”―Laurell K. Hamilton




I started this entire process as a journey. The journey transformed into this blog being my safe haven. It is the place where I can say anything without judgement, fear, or worry. I can write whenever I feel the need whether I have the right words to say what I am feeling or even if what I am feeling is unrealistic and twisted. This has given me a place to piece things together. Fear of judgement is a big thing for me. I know that I don't understand what is going on with me. I don't mind if people disagree, have different opinions, or just think I am completely insane. But this is my place. My runaway. I am in the process of learning communication with my therapist and I think this helps a little bit. I can put down the things that I just can't say, don't know how to say, or just things I would rather not say out loud. Having a mental illness is like a disease. You don't just snap out of it or turn things around overnight. Everything in life takes time to process. I just get the "pleasure" out of having to go back more then twenty years. It is like being in a coma. You can't feel, think, function. I look back on how much I had been hiding before my overdose. I felt like I was cracking, I knew it was too much and yet I kept on going. Just like I am doing now.


The way I feel reminds me of when my mom was in the hospital, her short term memory loss. That is how I feel. It feels like I am so stuck trying to process through all of the things that happened that I just do not know where to begin, how to work through it, or even what I need to do in each situation. There is so much I have locked in for so long. All of these things are coming to haunt me. I hope that I will gain more answers as I continue with the therapy and the psychiatrist.


Today I just don't feel good at all. I feel so sick. I am tired of my body continuing to crumble because of past. Hopefully tomorrow will be a relaxing day because my mind and my body just can't do it right now.