Another Blow Up

“That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.”―Ricky Gervais


I refrained last night from writing a post because I just don't know how to explain what all went on and express my feelings towards the situation. Last night we had another big blow out in the house and this one was taken to an absolute level of wrongness. My mother-in-law had fallen on the kitchen floor last night because she slipped on water (mind you she has had back surgery so this is not good in itself.) My little sister got scared and being a normal teenager got a little snappy with her brother. Her brother straight rage attacked her in the living room leaving bruises on her arm. All of this was done in front of both of my kids. I ended up having to call the cops after lifting my mom off of the floor. That was the most traumatic experience for my son EVER. He has so much love and trust in the safety that he believed my brother-in-law gave him. My little sister is my Son's favorite person in the world. So not only did he think he caused his Nana to fall and get hurt but watched someone who is supposed to make him feel safe attack someone he loves whole-heartedly. We set up for my son to leave for the weekend because he just needs a lot of individual attention. He is utterly in melt down mode and just doesn't understand. For the rest of the night last night my son kept telling us that there were monsters in the house that were going to hurt me, Nana, and Auntie. Today he just keeps saying over and over that "Nana fall" and "Uncle gone".


It is the hardest realization to see that you are defenseless and cannot protect your children. I so badly just wish I could wrap myself around my kids and take all of the rocks that have been thrown at them. I am so torn apart by all of this. My little sister has always been like one of my babies and for me as well I just feel like nothing is right with the world. I don't understand how people can force children to be in a position of fear and abuse. I really feel like I have failed at protecting my babies. I just wish they weren't in the position to test their strength in the first place. It's just not right. My kids have enough going on with my suicide attempt, us moving, me attempting to step back as my role of sole car provider,(which is absolutely failing due to everything happening) my son's new diagnosis of his autoimmune disease.


In the minst of all of this situation last night, I got a call from my son's dr about his blood platelet count. It was only at a 60 and it should be above 150. That is not good at all. Poor baby. I just want to roll up in a ball and cry. His ITP leaves him bruised head to toe, in pain, and sick. His body is basically saying he has no immune system.


To top off all of this wonderfulness I am absolutely sicker then shit, I have a bladder infection and an upper respiratory infection. I am in so much pain it is ridiculous between my normal chronic pain, the pain in my chest from not being able to breath, the pain in my ribs from coughing, the pain in my bladder from my infection. I need a little sunshine in my life! Seriously. Now. Please? Even just one ray I would be thankful for.


It has been 38 days and today I am saying FUCK LIFE. I am laying in bed resting attempting to get this sickness to go away and try not to cry from being in so much pain!