This Gut Feeling

“Nothing is predestined. The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.”―Ralph Blum




I believe that we all are created with a set beginning and ending but what you do and how you get there is completely up to you. The path that you take in every situation directly effects how your life will be after the fact. I will no longer except the mistreatment of others. I am sick and tired of excuses, lies, attitudes, two-faced behaviors, and this concept of pretending like things didn't happen. Honestly there are a lot of people that need to mend their wrong doings. I will not be in any kind of relationship with any of these people until they not only apologize but stop the behaviors that made frictions to begin with.


I do not want anything to do with any of these people any longer. It is not that I doubt people can change, it is because I know that people can only change if they have a desire to. I am at the point where I would like to smack the nasty look off of their faces. Whether their words or actions are their expressions are enough for a lifetime. It makes me sick that everyone can return the fake behavior by talking to them and joking with them. I DO NOT LIKE THEM, I AM PISSED OFF AT THEM, I AM NOT THE ONE THAT STARTED NOR PARTICIPATED IN THIS, AND I WILL NOT PRETEND LIKE THIS SHIT DIDN'T HAPPEN.


I have been the one to try and make things work with these people over and over again for the last three years. I am done with them. I do not desire to have a relationship. And I will not pretend like I do. I am tired of the fact that MY children are to blame for everything. I feel like a ticking time bomb and i'm about to explode. I am choosing to not forgive them. I shouldn't have to forgive them. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable in my house. I am tired of feeling like my kids and I have to hide or have no freedom to do as we please. My kids need to feel like this is their home and they don't. It breaks my heart.


It makes me feel like I have failed them. The least I could do is make them feel loved, appreciated, safe, and like they have space to be kids. My kids have lost everyone of these things.


I am tired of everyone being babied. If you are 19 or 22 you should fucking act like an adult. Stop being childish and running your mouth and only acting appropriate when they need and or want something. I don't feel empowered today, I feel sad.


"What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why

You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind

She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place, yeah

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyesBroken inside."


I am about to get really fucking outspoken right now. I hate when smart people act fucking stupid so that people will do things for them. That has to be on my top three pet peeves! I do not understand where the lack of common sense seems to be coming from in society now. If you are honestly THAT stupid then maybe you need to learn from experience instead of having everyone wipe your ass for you!


Tomorrow is my birthday and I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do. We were going to go to a bar and then go stay at a hotel but I cancelled the reservation because it was not in a safe walking distance of anywhere we could drink. I like hitting 21 but I have never been a big drinker. I tried to find a movie to go see but there is nothing playing that is even remotely interesting and I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is going to ruin my birthday. My daughter has an ear infection, my son has an upper respiratory infection, and everyone around me seems to have a piss pore attitude. If anything even remotely microscopic happens tomorrow I will freak the fuck out!