Part of being healthy is removing the unhealthy people from your life. Those like me that have a hard time doing so need to remove everyone from their life who is not directly influencing it. I went on a deleting spree on facebook today and went from 370 friends to 127. I am getting to this point in my life where I am just sick of the human race.
My little sister is having to walk down the same path that I did because no one will let her be an individual. Every day there is some continuing or someone new that decides to judge her, ridicule her, put her down, and crush her spirits. That same shit is the exact reason why I am here right now and you know what everyone claims it gets better with age. It is truly a crock of shit. The only thing that changes with age is your understanding that you do not understand anything.
This new years resolution crap is condescending. This one day everyone decides to set goals for themselves that are mostly not only unrealistic but frankly immeasurable. People spend all this time, money, and energy for just a few days of a goal that will not last. The other thing that makes no sense about new years resolutions is that people should not use midnight on the first of January to better themselves. They should use everyday as an opportunity to do so.
I normally keeps my opinions very contained with myself and a few select others generally because I feel that (A) the majority of situations are none of my business and (B) if I voice my true opinions people are going to see exactly how pissed off I am and can be. I am tired of being called things that I am not and if I am going to be called them anyways I mine as well show them how good I can be at it. I am tired of being the bigger person in every situation. I am tired of being afraid of the repercussions of my opinions, lifestyle, life choices, and so on. I am tired of being afraid to be who I truly am. Everyone else can lose their cool, everyone else can make mistakes, everyone can be selfish, rude, ugly, and insecure but the second I do circumstances and opinions change.
Everyday some new happens. Some new drama or newly continued drama appears from someone. It is getting old and exhausting and frankly I am damn tired of everyone coming before me. I am tired of everyone cutting people off when anyone speaks. This has been by far the most dramatic, overwhelming, exhausting year I have ever had and the longest year. I don't know why everyone seems to find such a threat in the way we choose to live our lives. I do not care who does not believe in medication, therapy, psychology, or my treatment plan. I am bettering my life and is anyone can not support that can quickly get out of my life. I am tired of being held back because I am not being allowed opportunity to focus on myself for once.
I overdosed on 11.29.11. Yes that may have been a month ago but it took me 21 years to get this way and it is going to take more then a month for me to change my entire life around. My entire thinking pattern. My entire freaking being. The one and only reason that my little sister and I are so close is because we are going through the same thing. The judgement, finding ourselves, trying to gain strength to voice our opinions, our lives, our paths.
I am so tired of being asked if I am feeling better or if I am okay. I hate those questions! They are the most ridiculous, vague, stupid questions ever. It is not even anyone's opinion that bother me it is the fact that no one asks me why I did what I did, what I am going through, what I am thinking, or anything even related.They make uneducated opinions based on "facts" or other information that goes down the line. It is like the telephone game. No one knows what I am going through so their opinions really don't fucking matter. Today I posted on my facebook about my overdose. Not my status but in a conversation. It is the first time I have been public about my suicide attempt. I have been so afraid to voice anything because as it is everyone is so far up my ass I can't breath or voice my emotions. The only people that should have an opinion on my emotional status, whether it be rational or not, are the people that are directly effected by what I did which are my husband, my ma, my little sister, my kids, my dad, and my older sister. THAT IS IT. (okay and my doctors and therapists but that is an obvious.) I should not be forced to be silenced because everyone else is so damn dramatic.
Today is a strong moment for me and it may not be tomorrow or the next day but today is and I am making the most of it. There are two days until my 21st birthday. I am very excited. No one is going to be allowed to ruin my birthday or the dragon will be unleashed. I am tired of giving a damn what other people think. If you don't like it......fuck off. I am tired of trying to change my cookie cutter to every one else's shape. I am my own damn cookie! If you don't like it get out of my cookie jar :)
No comments:
Post a Comment