Hiding Behind a Mask

"A true friend walks in when the whole world walks out."-Unknown


I couldn't even post last night to be honest. I went from pain to numb and I can't even comprehend anything anymore. How do you spend so much of your life trusting an confiding in someone just to have them say you fucked up their life? I don't know who to trust anymore. So many people put stipulations on the things they desire to know or help you with. People are selfish pure and simple. Why does life have to be so uncontrollable? During the hardest moments of your life are when people are supposed to love and support you not put you down and get pissed off that you are not giving them enough attention. WTF is that? I am sorry that I am not capable of doing everything or that I cannot match up to everyone else's expectations. I am so glad that everyone thinks I am so damn capable. I am on overload and I can't vent to anyone anymore. If I vent to my husband he just doesn't understand, if I vent to anyone in my house I am just being over-dramatic, emotional, or it's because I am sick or people take things as they need to be fixed, or that they can't "take sides," or that I am complaining and they have to keep things fair. I don't have anyone to run to anymore. This gets topped off by the cherry that is my mother. I am supposed to have limited contact with her and yet I just can't say no, I can't explain that and be heartless, I can't merely ignore her. I am straight overwhelmed. I thought I was alone before well damn was I stupid. How am I supposed to look in the mirror and live with myself anymore. I am tired of not being what people want or need me to be. I am tired of being a bad person. I can't even properly take care of my kids. I am not used to my life anymore. I have no space, my kids are so limited, my son is acting out and not sleeping because he thinks negative attention is better then no attention from everyone here dealing with their own shit. Guess I am back to hiding behind a mask. I don't know why people prefer me that way. What is the meaning of friends and family if the one's closest to you are always the one's that walk away?