“Nobody's perfect. We're all just one step up from the beasts and one step down from the angels.”
― Jeannette Walls
When I started this journey I thought it was to better myself. What I am beginning to learn is that I never merely needed to "better myself." What I needed was to truly look inside myself, figure out who I am, and learn to except myself. I am starting to see these qualities, I always thought I was crazy and feared that label. Honestly what is normal? Crazy? Insane? No one can answer this correctly. Sometimes I feel like the crazy people are normal and the normal people are crazy. I never fully embraced myself and who I am. I just sat and wasted time and effort into this idea of perfection and the idea that without change I would never be good enough. My moods are up and down and some days I feel worthy and other days I feel worthless. But this is who I am, ups and down, good and bad. My husband accepts me for who I am. He told me last night that his guilt lies in the fact that he saw the signs. He saw me slipping and tried to convinced himself that he was blowing things out of proportion. The more I connect my past with my present I begin to see similarities in my mom's schizophrenia. All my paranoid delusions, all the times I would be completely alone and still hear people calling my name. All the times I saw these flashes of terrible things happening, the inconsistencies in my personality and emotions. Every day I have spent my life in fear; fear of death, fear of pain, fear of love, fear of acceptance, fear of intimacy, fear of change, fear of becoming someone that I already was. This is me. I am perfectly imperfect, plain and simple. This doesn't mean that I will never be able to change myself, it just means the first step in change is acceptance. If I don't accept myself how can anyone else accept me? I am going to continue to do my therapy and my therapist and doctor want me to see a psychiatrist as well. Maybe if I would have excepted that I was sick, that I did need help, that it was okay to be sick. I had so much built up fear from my childhood about what this could do to me, my family, my life. I used to hide in my closet and just cry. I was fearful of the things my mom heard and saw. I was hurt that my sister, my dad, and I had to live with that. I lied all the time as a kid, not because I didn't want people to know the truth but because I truly couldn't see the wall between my dreams and fears and my reality. I still have nightmares. Most of the time I put all my energy into blocking out my past, blocking out my nightmares. These things are all a part of what make up me. The longer I continue to run away from what is real, the longer I am stuck in a world that doesn't exist. I am figuring out who am I one step at a time and if people don't understand that then they don't have to but I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can at this moment in time. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment