Live For Today

"If you cannot say something positive, use the tools to not say anything at all."


Sometimes words are like a loaded gun; you may not always be aiming to kill, but your shot may be deadly. I am mustering all my faith. Faith; the thing that I have lost in myself. This journey started as a means of self improvement and has blossomed into self discovery. I have realized that all of my grievances, pain, hurt, loss, resentment, fear, hate and loneliness was a product of the faith that I had lost. These things are far bigger then me. So my journey is now to give it up to God. To have the faith that whatever shall come in my life has meaning and reason. That I am worth something because God created me for a reason. Maybe this was God's way of showing me that as I take care of everyone else, I need to accept God's request to take care of me. That no matter who has broken me, God can pick me back up again. God believes in me when no one else does-even myself. I have realized today that For so long I have felt alone, and maybe my loneliness was a product of me not listening hard enough or tuning in to what was necessary to hear him. I am giving up and giving in. Opening my ears, my heart, and my mind to listen to what he has to tell me. God is the ONLY one who has the power to heal my body, heart, soul, and mind. I am surrendering. Three years ago January, was my 18th birthday. That day I had made a whole-hearted choice to get a tattoo. My tattoo said "Faith." It was done as my reminder that even without spirituality and religion everyone needs faith. Faith in themselves, faith in others, faith in God. When we give up our faith we choose to be defeated. I no longer want to live my life in the cross hairs of faith. Death before dishonor. When you give up, you give away. I had given up. I gave up because I felt like I was undeserving of God's love and affection. That turned into me feeling like I was undeserving of anyone's love and affection. The truth is we are all undeserving, selfish, greedy, dishonest, and reckless. No more will I compromise. In order to forgive my past and leave all of those negative memories behind I had to look inside myself and realize that I was always being dishonest. I have lived with this image that I am okay, that I am not hurt, that I can fix everything, that I was strong enough, that I was not fragile. I am weak and I do need healing. Letting go of your past is letting go of more then just the bad, its accepting that you can not cling on to memories that are no more. You have to start seeing the world for what it is, accept it, grow from it, and then forget it. If you always have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow you will never live in TODAY!