Take Me Away

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown




Last night I cried myself to sleep. I don't just mean cried, I sobbed. I am tired of pretending like I am not broken, like I am not hurt. Moving out of this apartment has been one of the most painful things I have ever done. We are boxing up, giving away, and leaving all of our memories. Memories that we have been creating for over a year and a half. Not all of these memories are good; some good, some bad, some bittersweet. Most of my marriage has been in that house, most of my sons life. I feel like I have nothing to hold on to. Most of the time I look at my wedding ring and tears fall from my eyes. I don't know where I am anymore, who I am, what this world is. This journey has had me rediscovering more then just myself. It has me rediscovering the world. I am exhausted. Finding little memories all over the house as we pack them up and throw them away. I wasn't prepared for this. I cannot hold on to memories that just don't exist or repeat any longer. I have fear in doing this. Fear that things will never be the same. I can't hold on to something that's not there, but I am not prepared to be holding on to nothing.


Continuously I go back and forth almost arguing with myself about what I truly deserve. Do I deserve a life of happiness and honesty? Do I deserve to continue my life in the cross hatch gripping on to things that I wish I could have back? Do I do what my heart is telling me and just walk away from everything? Is this even what my heart is telling me? So many things racing through my brain. It is like traffic. My mind feels as if I am in a car speeding fast racing to an unknown destination. Swerving in and out of lines and exits. Catching myself getting stuck in traffic, in the dark, on a busy street, during a morning rush. I am going so fast I do not know whether to keep driving or pull over, park the car, and run. Run as fast as I can. Run to a place that feels safe and secure. I know even know what safe is anymore. I don't know what intimacy is. I don't remember what passion feels like. I watch happy couples kiss and stare into each others eyes. Gazing like the whole world just stops in its tracks. I miss that. That deep connection. I no longer have that. I barely remember what it is like to hear "I Love You" let along receive anything close to a passionate kiss. I keep holding on to those memories wishing, praying, hoping that one say soon I wont have to be holding on to something that's just not there. I can't fight a battle that is not my own, I cannot fix anyone but myself and I cannot blame myself for those who refuse to change.