Nightmare

My whole life I have had this huge fear of becoming like my mom. I saw what she went through with Schizophrenia. I used to hide in the closet as a kid, wishing that everything would just go away. I don't know why all of this is happening to me. I don't even know what its like to be happy anymore. I don't have the ability. I found out last night that my sister is moving across the country. The only person in my family that I am close to is leaving. It brings back memories of my childhood. She ran away and left me there. Left me to battle everything. I resented it for so long.

I have so much to be happy about and I can't. I can't feel anything but pain. I HATE this. I don't even know what to do. All I want to do is sleep and even then I just have nightmares. I wake up with bruises, sometimes crying, sometimes screaming. I want this pain to end. I can't lie and say that killing myself doesn't cross my mind. I have two reasons for staying alive, one's two and one's two months old. I want this pain to stop. I want my world to be quiet. No noise. I don't know where to go from here. I'm fighting with all my strength. Taking my pills daily. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own body. I have messed everything up. I changed and I don't even know when or how. I feel so alone. I wish someone could understand this. I don't want words, I don't want to talk about it. I just want someone to see it in my soul. I'm screaming every second. I am my own nightmare.