Fighting the good fight

Determination. Will. Strength. I can't let this beat me. I will win this battle. This journey seems to be endless. I have fought this fight before. I have to remember that I will be fighting this fight for the rest of my life. I can not let this break me down. A lot has come out of this, sad to say but this situation has really helped my marriage. My husband has stepped up to take care of me. It feels nice. I even try and keep in mind that he can not read my mind, I have to express what I need of him. I can not just assume that he should always know.

Growth. Respect. Communication. I can look back on so many things I have done wrong in my marriage. So many instances where I have assumed he should no everything. He is not perfect and neither am I. I placed a lot of blame on him for so many things that he had nothing to do with. I think that why I feel so much shame. My soul mate, my partner, my husband; I have broken him down as a man for so many years. How can I expect him to do things successfully for our family if I never give him the opportunity to do so? I took irrelevant things and made it seem like he was not capable to do anything. Then I placed blame on him for me doing everything.

Trust. Vulnerability. Love. I read something the other day that told me, "To love is to be vulnerable. Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down." This is probably the most accurate description of what I have been doing wrong for so long. In a way I am happy that I have been having this breakdown. So many people never get the opportunity to become a better person. Death is certain, living is not. I need to stop pretending like I have had an easy life. I need to stop being afraid to show weakness. I can't live forever placing my past on the one's who are currently in my life. This journey isn't an easy one, but nothing worth having ever comes without effort.