This Passion Burns

Part of this journey to grow has been spent mending my marriage. A lot of my self discovery has showed me what part I played in the wreckage. It has showed me to live. When I became a mom I had this notion that once your a mom that's it, living life ends. There is no more room for inappropriateness. In all of these changes I have rekindled this passion, this burning, this fire for him. This fire was what was keeping me coming back for me. When it ended I disappeared. When we got together he was the one that made my world stop, made me feel important, made me feel whole. I had been feeling like his passion for me was disappearing. I was wrong, all of this mistrust had made me feeling unimportant. Like there was something I was doing wrong. I locked myself up. I felt like he was not even attracted to me anymore. But I was the one disgusted; disgusted with myself. A lot of the change is coming from forcing ourselves to work on our issues. When the kids are gone on the weekends we are left there only responsible for each other. I had been so caught up in trying to be the perfect mom, not asking anyone for help so I didn't seem like I couldn't handle everything. I was afraid to be judged, afraid to be myself. To be able to relax and have fun. Enjoy myself and this passion that has always kept us together. 

People are so quick to judge when you are a mom, if you have fun or lay back, if you take any care of yourself and time on yourself then you are a bad mom. I was afraid of that. Afraid to fail. I was afraid to faced with the fact that I had been so wrong for so long. I blamed my unhappiness on my mom. I blamed her for having a life when I didn't have one. I have been feeling alone for so long. Feeling like no one wants to be with me. But how can they read my mind. I never asked for help, for company, for anything. I was jealous of everything. Jealous of the way my kids love their grandma. Thinking that if they love anyone else then they aren't loving me. Jealous of the lack of time I had with my husband. Jealous of losing myself. I forgot how to share. How to share responsibilities, how to share love, how to share myself. I had been judging my mom for years for having a life and leaving me alone. Everyone needs help, everyone needs a life. I was so fixated on trying to achieve the perfect mom image that I threw my life away. I thought I had to. Little by little I am finding myself again, finding myself as an individual, as a wife, as a sex partner, as a friend, as a human. I threw away my needs and wants thinking that they weren't important anymore. Until I broke down. Being a mom does not mean that I can not have fun. That I can't let lose and have a drink when they are not around, That I can't have sexual desires. Being a wife and a partner are just as important as being a mother. I made a promise to him long before I made a promise to our children. They are both my jobs and I need to spend just as much time, energy, and effort into both. This feeling of intoxication is back again. 

I need to remember that I do deserve to be happy-that you don't have to earn it. I need to remember that the only person keeping me from being happy-is me. This need to wrap up inside the intoxication that made me feel so alive I could have had this entire time. I felt dirty for having desires, for finding humor in inappropriate things, for even kissing him. I was afraid like I was going to get into trouble. I forgot how to live like life was worth living.