Uncovered and Imperfect

The biggest thing i have begun to realize in this journey is that it is okay. It's okay to not be perfect, its okay to be flawed, its okay to need help, its okay to reach out, its okay to be you. I have spent so much of my life trying to cover up who I really am out of fear of rejection and judgement. No one has the right to judge me. I find myself reaching out more. Feeling less ashamed of my breakdown. I am weak, I am fragile, I am growing. I truly always thought I needed to deserve being happy. I needed to do something to earn happiness and if I felt that I did not do good enough to enjoy it-I made myself unhappy. EVERYONE and I do mean everyone, deserves happiness. If i would not have had my breakdown I would have never seen this amazing opportunity to get better and really understand why I never felt happy. 

I was scared to death to have a girl. I never gave myself enough credit, I never wanted to have a child that would be like me. God woke me up. The minute I held this beautiful angel in my arms my whole world changed. I wanted to be better. She looks exactly like me and acts just like me.I have to realize that this was not a bad thing. She is the most beautiful, pure, miracle that I have ever been given. I have always seen perfection in my son, he is a spitting image of the man that I love. My son is strong, independent, funny, courageous, loving. He will make such a wonderful man one day and I know that because my husband is the most amazing man I have ever had the blessing to meet. They are so pure hearted. I worried about the connection I would have with my daughter and I was so wrong. I am so utterly amazed by her, so in love with every detail of this little thing we created. So amazed that I made her, that I carried her, that she was inside my body growing into who she is. 

I am terrified to go back to work. It feels like a prison sentence, like I am handing over my life. I don't know what to do.