A Day Like Any Other

I think today was a different kind of day. My emotions still running deep and at random. A few times today I found myself crying, not about a particular thing, just crying. I have begun to notice that a lot more anxiety and pain come out when I cry. With every breath it feels like the wind was knocked right out of me. It's agonizing. I feel a strong weakness coming over me. I feel fragile, broken. It hurts to move, to breath, to think. Even the simplest of tasks feels impossible. My body has almost given in to all of this. I just want to sleep and most of the time that doesn't even happen. I think my night terrors are back, more bruises and scratches. I don't ever really remember my dreams only small details. I try and block them out, I don't want to remember. Nothing good comes from reliving your fears over and over again. People say that you have to face your fears head on. I don't want the collision. I wish I could breakdown, fully unleash all of these misfortunes. I have been keeping things for so long, so many things that I left unhealed. I have spent so much of my life pretending to be happy. I remember a day so pure in nature, where my whole world stopped. The earth was still and quiet. I relive the good and the bad like an endless roll of film. Hurting because of the people who've hurt and neglected me, and remorseful because I miss the feeling.

Judgement. This is something I currently spend time thinking about. The reasons why everyone must put others down. I am so thankful for my best friend, Steph. She has been here for me more than anyone else, keeping me in check and reminding me that I am not worthless. There is not a thing that I can not go to her about. She is the first person I have ever met that never places judgement on me. She lets me vent freely and is always encouraging.

Love. I keep having flashbacks from when my husband and I first got together. I was so utterly in love with him. The way he obsessed over me always made my mom uneasy but it became the reason I fell in love with him. There was nothing in this world that would take me away from him. The look in his eyes, watching my every move as if he wouldn't handle missing a second. The way he would kiss me, touch my skin. The littlest of things making my body shake. There was so much raw passion. I miss that. We have spent so much time in trying to be societies image of the perfect parents that we forgot how to live outside of our parental roles. We never took time to let lose and be ourselves. We changed and in that change changed our marriage. The way he took care of me when no one else did. I always came first. I remember how intoxicating the smell of his skin was, how the beat of his heart was. These memories are why I am holding on. When my trust in him failed, so did our physical and emotional relationship. We barely kiss anymore, hold hands, hug. I miss that physical connection. That passion. I guess I've been spending time reflecting. Wishing I could have made things right sooner is what pains me. I feel like my lack of appreciation for those small things, the effort, is what caused the barrier. My insecurities kept us from keeping that kind of love. I lost the thing that mattered most. I have to love myself in order to fully open up to it. I'd have to admit that I'm vulnerable and scared.