Stuck in Limbo

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”―Marilyn Monroe


Lately I find a lot of truth in these words. I have more and more begun to realize that all my efforts in trying to keep myself from becoming like my mother has failed. Look at me, I am impatient with my kids, have a strained relationship with my husband, suicidal, depressed, hiding, unsure of who I am, selfish. I think I was always like her, destined to never be a mom. I became a mom to prove to myself that I could do better then she did. Well fuck I royally failed. I failed before I even began. I am trying to find myself but I am trapped in this forest of doubt. My kids don't deserve this. I am watching myself in this window of hurt looking in on me repeating my childhood. I don't blame everyone for all the hate they show me. My little sister told me today that I let myself go and you know what she is absolutely right. I did let myself go, I gave up, gave in to this stupid, ridiculous, and unrealistic image of what a mom should be. I turned myself into a person that I never wanted to become. Even in school I am not doing well. I failed my midterm today. I think failure has become my pattern. I am harboring this evil that I can't get rid of. This evil sweeps me in and holds on to me like no one ever has. It makes my head spin so I don't even know where I am anymore. I have been hiding because I have so pissed at the situation I have put myself in. Not able to work because of all my mental instability, not able to take care of my kids, living in a house full of people where I have no privacy at all and I am being watched every second of every day. I no longer get a day away from my kids and just with my husband.


My entire world shifted when I took those pills. I hate myself. I wish I could go back and suck up the pain that I felt that night. I wish I could have just been hurt like I have been every day of my life. Pain is something I should be used to. I used to be able to block it out. I guess that is what I get for always running away from my problems. They will always find you no matter where you are, no matter how different you have become. I truly don't believe that happiness exists. Happiness is a lie, something people make up to make themselves feel better about their lives and the people they are. Most people don't have to look in the mirror and face all of their failures. I am so tired of all the emotional people in this house. I am surround by bi-polar moods and it doesn't really give me a good outlook on my own life. It confuses me more. It is like a flashback of high school and eve then I didn't have to deal with this much drama. I sit in the only space that is technically mine. These four walls that have imprisoned me. The day I overdosed my soul went to jail. I was no longer my own. I sit here and all I can think is that I am right where my mom lies. Living with other people, being supported because she can't take care of herself. Out of control and letting every situation rake parts and pieces of who you thought you were. Parts and pieces of what little heart you have left. The day I knew I was a bad mom hit me like a ton of bricks, it was the day I thought to myself that I was always going to be second best. The crazy shit about this is I have never came first in anything. I have always been just inches away from good enough. I fell like I am getting what I deserve. I feel like I should give up and give in. Run away like I have always done. Sit in misery with my mom. Maybe that's why our hearts were always together. Misery loves company and my mom happens to be mine. I am selfish enough to sit here and want to restart my life. Know what it is like to live in a life where I finally do not have to be responsible for anything but myself. People like me, my mom shouldn't ever be allowed to have kids. Children don't deserve to live in a world where a cycle will always be their doom. My daughter, my son, my husband, myself. We will all end up just like my parents. Sometimes in life no matter how much we have learned from the shit we have done or gone through it doesnt comfort us enough to not want a redo. We become like me: stuck in limbo.