Face to Face

Sometimes you have to look in the mirror and come face to face with no one but yourself. You do exactly what has been done to you and in the end you realize that two wrongs don't make a right/ You have no one to blame but yourself for being alone. It's no one's fault but my own, it's the road I chose to go. My husband spent most of our marriage hurting me and when I need him the most I always accuse him of not being there. Sometimes we are too blind to see that silently there are defending us. Their actions may not reflect it but their unknown words do. Maybe I am meant to be alone. I have no one to blame but myself. Whether he is wrong or right I have repeated the same mistakes. We are both to blame. My actions show love but my words do not and his words show love but his actions do not. Where do we go from here? Do I blame you for walking away, for abandoning me when I need you the most...No. I don't think I will ever be good enough. I spent my whole life fighting to be perfect, be everything he needed and more. I truly don't know who I am anymore. Inside I am this scared and lonely girl who is lost, screaming in a silent room with no windows, no doors, no life. I am clawing the walls and trying to get free. I don't know how to get out. I sit in this bed alone wondering why I hurt everyone I love. I push and push and push until they snap. I'm suffocating myself. I am hurting myself and as I lye here in bed alone I can't even cry. All I can do is hate.I have never hated myself more then I do now. I always assume he is trying to hurt me. I set up a wall and then accuse him of the same thing. We go in circles spinning so fast that we can barely hold on anymore. The more I find out about who I have become the more I want to run away from myself. Run like everyone else in my life has. What do you do when you can't even stomach yourself? If I could I would walk away from me too, I would walk away and never look back. I'd run like hell. I watched my mom do this to my dad. They went back and forth accusing each other of doing the things they both did. I always said that would never be me. It is me. I did this. I took this path and I never even saw myself switch paths. I became selfish. I got so sick of nurturing everyone else. I blamed people for not nurturing me. Not taking care of me. Not loving me. And I turned around and do the same thing to them. I didn't even notice. I didn't see. He left his phone and walked away, got in his car and drove as fast as he could. I don't blame him. My pain is my own. It takes two to break a marriage and I am the one sitting in the shattered glass. I am taring down the only person I have. The only one who still loves me. I just missed the way he used to talk to me, the way he looked at me, the way his whole world revolved around me. I had never had that before. I plug my ears in pain of all the things people say about me. Maybe they are true. Maybe I do deserve this, maybe it is my fault, maybe I will never be good enough for even my own standards. I hate this journey. I want to turn back and run. How do you live with yourself with all of this weight? My heart is so heavy I can barely breath. I know he has done me wrong but I am just as guilty for repeating his mistakes. Maybe I need to let him go. Let him find what he deserves. I don't think I will ever be what he deserves. I hate myself. I hate my family for cursing me with this. We all push away the best things in our lives, we all fuck everything up. We all have this same burden of mental illness. I wish he could understand I don't chose this. I don't want to be this way. I want to be better, I want to be good enough. I want to believe that I deserve happiness and joy. We all blame the wrong people. We hold mistakes against the ones we love when they aren't the ones that have hurt us. I want to crush this wall down and give my all. I am so scared of pain, hurt, love. I am fearful of love. If you don't let love in you can't destroy it. I was too late, I gave into love. I gave myself and my vulnerability. I let it in and now I am throwing it away. I don't know what's wrong with me.