So The Journey Begins

After falling flat on my face, I felt empty. I felt like a stranger in my own body. My head was spinning. I was on overload. I decided to grit my teeth and go see my doctor. They put me on Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Lorazepam. This was the first time being called out. The verdict? O.C.D., Sever Anxiety, Depression, P.T.S.D., and fear of impending doom. Fear of impending doom, that's the one that hit me. My biggest fear, that one that has ruled my life for so long. Suddenly I felt less alone, knowing that I wasn't just crazy, there was a reason for this. One doctor told me I needed to see a shrink at least once a year to check in. Check in, are you serious? The other doctor tells me that I am increasingly good at covering up my emotions. She told me that I was good at faking it, she also plainly added that I may need a few days in a facility. Yes, a facility! As if my whole life I haven't felt crazy enough.

My Mother-in-law (ma) took the kids for a few days. My doctor recommended my kids not be with me so if my mental breakdown became to a snap they wouldn't have to bare witness. That day I also had a psych evaluation. I am still waiting for them to match me to a therapist. The days following and as the medicine began to work, I began this journey. I began to understand my part in my marriage failing. For so long I wholeheartedly believed that I had no part in the destruction of my life.

"It's a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray.""People never crumble in a day, It's a slow fade."
It was like someone hit me with a brick. I had the ability to scroll through all of my mistakes, all of my blame. All of my built up anger; I was lashing out. The whole time. I had slowly disassembled my husband as a man. My inability to regain trust in him had turned into my mistrust of everything. I made him believe that he was not competent enough to do anything correctly. He admitted to me that he finally understood how I felt. He wasn't there for me, He had left me alone. That what he vowed to me, he didn't do. He didn't take care of me the way he was supposed to. This whole time that's what I had been begging for. All this time I was breaking down, needing my partner, my friend, my husband. He understood. And right there, things changed.